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This is the Last One (23 Happenings in 23 Locations of Identical Significance and Insignificance)


by Porsche Jones

SCRIPT

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Linkakles - a misunderstood punk rocker; the hero and protagonist
Feste - a silly drunken vandal, friend of Linkakles
Mnemosyne - Memory, mother of all muses
Death - Prometheus chained and unchained
Vonda - a friendly prostitute
Librarian- a librarian
DRAGONMONSTER

The script is mainly a guideline/framework. Improvisation is encouraged.

[Title: "This is the Last One"]
["feat. Linkacles, the hero and protagonist"]
["and Feste, a silly drunken vandal"]

Act 1, Scene 1
[A room in a residential house. Linkakles and Feste are drinking, smoking, listening to music, drawing doodles, playing with a lighter]

Linkakles: It's only ten. Feste, what are we doing tonight?
Feste: BURN down a church!
Linkakles: Burgarlize a wafflehouse?
Feste: Pillage their kerosene!
Linkakles: Weaponize syrup?
Feste: Spraypaint our faces on police stations.
Linkakles: Become Belgian citizens! Tattoo our passports on our tits in pink!
Feste: Let's meet someone named Irene. We never meet anyone named Irene.
Linkakles: She'll have to have a passport, and a jug of kerosene.
Fest: Let's have an adventure, Link!
Linkakles: Let's throw cabbages off of buildings.
Fest:Let's throw ourselves off of buildings.
Link: Let's do something we'll remember. I don't remember anything.
[Mnemosyne appears suddenly in a flash of light.]
Fest: Who are you?
Mnemosyne: "I am Mnemosyne. I am the mother of all muses. I am the incarnation of memory."
Link: "Have you come to give us back our memories?"
Mnemosyne: "Yes, Linkakles, I have, and to make new ones, for you and others. I have come to set you on a quest."
Fest: "A quest? A quest for tacos?"
Mnemosyne: "Linkakles. This is a map of 23 locations. You will journey to 23 locations that were significant in your life. The importance of the locations will be knowable to you and you alone. To restore your memories, you must perform a ritual in my name at each location. You must place one of these stickers at each location."
Link: "A sticker? You mean, we get to vandalize 23 places?"
Mnemosyne: "You are delivering my message. I am the mother of all muses, and what you do for me is art."
Feste: "What do they say?"
Link: "'This is the Last One'."
Mnemosyne: "You must place the stickers in the appropriate order. Then you will have recreated the events of your life, in chronological order. Only then, when these tasks are complete, will you reclaim your memories."
[Mnemosyne vanishes]
Link: "What do you think, Feste?"
Feste: "I'm so ready."
Link: "I am going to put stickers on your eyeballs."
Feste: "I am going to put stickers on your liver."
Link: "I am going to put stickers on your nostrils."
Feste: "I am going to put stickers on your ribcage."
[They exit and close the door behind them.]

Act 1, Scene 2
[Short music/video montage of the first 8 tasks.]

Act 1, Scene 3
[Setting: Linkakles and Feste have finished the 8th task, and are resting briefly in Allen/Medical Station]

Feste: "We've already finished the first 8, Linkakles."
[from afar]
Death: "Help. Oh, help!"
Linkakles: "Feste, was that someone calling for help?"
Death "Help me!"
[L and F run to assist Death. Death is tied up in an awkward pose, struggling to get free.]
Death: "Please, please, untye me! I can't take this punishment any longer!"
Linkakles: "Who are you? Why are you being punished?"
Death: "My name is Death. I am being punished for forgetting my name! But I have served my punishment. I have been chained here for time uncounted. Hundreds of people walk past me, but no one can see or hear me. Everyday, just as I begin to regain my sanity, an eagle comes and sings "Heartless" by Kanye West!"
Link and Feste: [horrified] "Yeeeew."
Death: "I was told that two adventurers would come and set me free, and that, in return, I should assist them in their quest."
Link: "Good deal."
[Death, Link and Feste all shown walking to and getting into Death's car.]

Act 1, Scene 4
[Short music/video montage of the next 6 tasks.]

Act 1, Scene 5
[Setting: just outside Club Marcella's, Vonda the prostitute is loitering and trafficing her business.]

[enter Death, Linkakles and Feste]
Vonda: "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy Miss thing Miss Thang, babyface you is looking fine tonight!"
Link: "Thank you!"
Vonda: "Girl, girl girl. Child, please. Say Miss Thang, you would've happen to know the time, would you now?"
Feste: "It's 3am."
Vonda: "Say what? Honey please. It is not a minute past ten."
Link: "No, it's 11:18."
Vonda: "I declare it's 1am."
Link: "No, 2 o clock."
Feste: "It's about 6."
Vonda: "It is 6:15 and not a minute after."
Link: "I'm pretty sure it's only just four oclock now."
Feste: "It's peanut butter jelly time."
Vonda: "Baby girl, muffin, pumpkin, I been workin this location alllll night and it is now 3am."
Death: "Yes, it's 3am."
Feste: "Yes, it's 3am."
Link: "Yes, it's 3am."
Vonda: "So now tell me. Tell Miss Vonda, what brings you fabulous young ladies around the dark dirty d'nasty Club Marcella at this dark dirty hour?"
Link: "We are on a quest. We have to place these stickers in locations of significance and insignificance so we can get our memories back."
Vonda: "Mmmmmmhhmmmmmm. I know all about that. Some days I wake myself up and I don't remember a thing. Mmmmmhmmmm, say sugar, do you know the time?"
Link: "I've got 3:05."
Feste: "I've got 5:25. Time sure flies!"
Vonda: "I've got 3:25, and a moment ago it was only just 6. Hmmm."
Link: "We'd better get going."
[exit all]

Act 1, Scene 6
[Short music/video montage of the next 6 tasks.]

Act 1, Scene 7
[Setting: the library. Link and Feste are wondering among the stacks. The librarian is nearby, watching. They find the location where they plan to place the sticker.]
Link: "Here it is, the 21st sticker. We are almost finished!"
Feste: "Huzzah!
Librarian: "SHHHHHHHHHHHH. You kids, what are you doing?"
Link: "We have to apply this sticker in this location for art and memory."
Librarian: "You can't do that here."
Link: "Its only for a second. We will put it on and then take it of. Put it on, take it off."
Librarian: "You are causing trouble."
Link: "We are augmenting space."
Feste: "We are re-enacting the events of a human life with mundane and identical tasks."
Librarian: "What do they say, these stickers?"
Link: "This is the last one."
Librarian: "Is it the last one?"
Link: "NO."
Librarian: "You are lying with your stickers."
Link: "No, its a subjective timeline."
Feste: "If its the last sticker you ever see, then its the last one."
Librarian: "It is the only one I have ever seen and will ever see."
Link: "Then this is the last one. It really is the last one."
Librarian: "Alright, go ahead."
[they place the 21st and 22nd sticker.] Feste: "Now we really do have to go do the last one!"
Link: "The 23rd sticker. I must do this alone."

Act 1, Scene 8
[Setting: in front of the CFA. Link faces a dragonmonster] Link: "Stand aside, DRAGON."
Dragon: [snarling and roaring]
[Link and Dragon BATTLE. Dragon dies. Link goes into the CFA and places the last sticker.]